Scott S.
Tom Hassard
Edmund Guttier
It is apparent that Tom is most
comfortable with this genre---these first 7 pages are magnificant! It
is a wonderful segment of story---filled with suspense, UNfamiliarity,
criticism of the human race, and a prophetic theme! To strengthen what
is written, extract some of the blount description in the first few
pages---don't spoil the story for the reader! Allow the factual details
to reveal themselves on their own through the story!
Laine Bradley
Vicinus and Vicina
Once again, Laine's mastery of imagery
is what makes this piece so magnificant. Using specific details that
are familiar to the reader are ESSENTIAL to drawing interest and
leaving the reader seeing everything so vividly---word by word, page by
page. The peculiarity of the situation of the the characters is
definitely a HOOK.
The suspense is there! I can't wait to read more!
Oh, and for constructive criticism:
allow the characters to develop through the vivid details of their
actions. Try not to describe them too much, because they become too
familiar and normal when they're described blountly.
Erica Campbell
Are you fucking
Eager to read more of this
piece! This story seems to be developing around a very
interesting, dynamic character. Try not to spoil the fun of letting the
character's personality unravel itself through her actions, instead of
blountly describing her in well-known adjectives.
Amy McIntrye
A Court Date
This piece marvelously depicts the
struggle of not only the young adult, but of the young adult being
emotionally and physically ripped to pieces by divorce---something that
too many of us are familiar with. Amy uses point of view to her
advantage; allowing the reader to understand the experience first hand
in the eyes of a ninth-grader, while also shifting to her current
perspective: that of a near-college graduate. The depiction of such a
common situation could not be said any more accurately---thank you Amy
for this piece of growing up and coming to terms with how things
"really" are. :-)
Ryan Noah
Guilt Trips
This well-thought out essay is about
absolutely nothing; however, it is overflowing with descriptions of the
everyday thoughts and doings. Guilt Trips provides us with an
honest view of the teenage mind---the constant battle of how I "should"
feel, verse how this "really" feels. Thank you for setting the scene
and developing such a familiar old "grandmamma."
Amanda Partlow
The gravel crunched
This essay perfectly describes
the internal struggles faced by any and every human being: the
difficulties of socializing, of growing up, and of coming to terms with
reality. Amanda sets the scene from the beginning, making
the setting very clear and vivid with her use of nature-rich imagery;
however, I would like to see more character description to accompany
such beautiful scene-setting. The nararrator's role at the camp
is a bit unclear in the beginning, as is the actual "problem" with
"Vickle."
Thank you for a wonderful, real, story.
Mary Lynn Ritch
Picture this
This essay displays a
wonderful use of voice and humor---which actually work as a pair
throughout the entire piece; however, it's "loose" feel is so drenched
with voice that it's missing a sense of "read-a-bility." With
revision and use of more punctuation to pull the reader along and allow
the voice to develop into an affective story-teller, this piece can
emerge as an extremely original, easy to read essay.
Scott Szymanski
Only the best can be served
Scott's mastery of language is present
in this piece through his extensive use of vocabulary and vivid
descriptions of setting. This honest, real perspective of a restuarant employee is all too familiar to any high school graduate.
To strengthen this essay, only use
the verbose, and overly descriptive language sparingly---to draw
attention to the most important details, for when used constantly, it
tends to drag on; HOWEVER, this over-use of description is not
under-appreciated---so please only reduce what is "unnecessary," and
let the necessary triumph on.
Erica Campbell
"Moon River"
This is one of my favorites so far! It
is so magnificantly written! You did an excellent job of
developing a "voice" within this piece, and using Breakfast at Tiffany's to
parallel yourself is so affective. Also, this story of self-discovery
and coming to terms with yourself is one that I would read again and
again. I honestly do not have any negative criticism! Thank you for
writing such a wonderul essay!
Scott Laniak
"Growing up..."
I love this account of your
journey of musical consciousness. Explaining music as an experience
really pinpoints you as the character within this piece.
The only inaffective parts of
this piece are when you blatantly state(more than once) that you are
writing an essay. I think that without these obvious references, this
piece would be much more effective.
Christine Lee
Confessions of An Angry Cashier
I love how you allow honesty and
sarcasm to intermingle within this piece, and I love how critical you
are of the critical. This is very familiar to many of us because of our
personal experiences, but thank you for reminding me of how ridiculous
people are.
I'm not sure if I like the "list"
format; however, I am attempting to get used to it. It may not work for
me yet because it's very different---I've got to give it a bit for time.
...more to come....
Alex Ryan Gregor
my own.
Tom Hassard
"Don't Suck."
This is a great essay. I love how it's formed around the stream of thoughts and feelings during his preparation for the show---he really describes these personal things in a way where the reader can experience them, too. I love the vivid descriptions(light fog in the air...; the air is thick..."); I love the honest thoughts(what a dick; please don't suck); I love the paradox in the line: ...but I always find myself hoping there won't be many people when I go on. This final line is SO familiar, because it best describes the experience of performing.
I really would like to see my sensory details, like the ones mentioned above, and I would also like to see less of the process, and more personal experience. Does that make sense? I hope so.
Ashlee Hooks
"Hurricane Ashlee"
This is an excellent piece on the descriptions of a grandfather/grandaughter relationship. The details are so personal and precise! The only aspects that I would change would be the transitions. The first line in a new paragraph tends to be written in a composition style, and I think it would be much more interesting to not write a formal introduction to each paragraph. Other than this, GREAT story!
Micheal Johnson
"Beep..."
I feel like that this is a wonderful first draft, but I think it needs to be revised a bit. I struggled to visualize the car scene, and the dialogue between you and your mom seems constructed. I would love to see this revised!
Kirsten Anderson
Unpaved Parking Lots
This is a marvelous
piece. You do a wonderful job of setting the scene---the setting
is always so vividly described; however, I want to know more about the
characters as well! Perhaps by concentrating on fewer friends, or
perhaps focusing on one or two detailed instances that explain your
personal connection to the individuals that are so dear to your heart!
Amanda Baran
Butler
I really enjoy the
different point of views used within this piece---it seems to take form
of the age of the narrator. The clever use of the dog's name to give
him personal, human-like qualities is what makes this piece work so
well! It's almost as if in spirit he is a human! Thank you for
such a good story.
I think the
final paragraph should be cut. It is too obvious by the point that the
reader has read everything.
Laine Bradley
Billfold, Billfold!
This piece is near
perfect! The imagery is so beautiful, the use of voice and perspective
makes it realistic, and how the different forms of the relationship are
threaded throughout the story ties it all together MARVELOUSLY.
I think the title should
be condensed to "Billfold, Billfold!"---also, please take your time as
you prepare the reader for the climax! Don't rush, and please allow
more suspense! :-)
Neal Dean
Chasing the Dragon
I love the metaphors used
throughout the piece. The language is so vivid and real. I love the
honesty and insight. This is really good writing.
I need MORE. I feel like it should be longer...?
Neal Dean
Phaethon
I
love the struggle within this piece. The extended metaphor really
explains the common masculine perpective
of relationships! When comparing this with the female perspective by
stating, "You want to die old...I'd rather go in a blaze of glory," it
pulls the entire idea of the piece together, and finally, when you
claim, "I want to burn the sky for a while," it even reveals the
spontaneity of young males, and their unwillingness to toss their care
free, fun lives away for a long term relationship. Well done!
With
punctuation and variance of capitalization, this poem would read better.
September
This piece is
beautiful. The extended metaphor is cliche, but all of the details
within it aren't so at all!
Again, punctuation and variance of capitalization would be more
affective.
Ryan Noah
The Search
This piece works so
well. The alliteration and sarcasm present through the piece are
affective and tend to lure the reader in to pay attention to other
details.
Breaking the lines up a bit would add to the sense of urgency.
Wood Bridges
When taken
literally, I was so confused, but once I gained my consciousness and
took a more intellectual approach, I fell in love with the concept. I
also love how it isn't connected to the standard meaning of "burning
bridges" that is now a cliche.
The specific
elements of a bridge in the third stanza tend to lure the reader away
from the metaphor, but using more metaphorical elements would make it
much more affective!
Sara Davis
An Angel on Earth
I
love this poem because it is so emotionally driven. I can see this
individual---thank you for making this familiar to my senses. I
also appreciate how the revelation of relation isn't until the final
two words.
The
rhythm is a bit sing song-ish. I'd like to feel your emotions---not
just read about them!
Words like knives
This
poem has so much presence. The use of solitary words for the beginnings
of some lines, then letting the description of these words flow
afterwards, really takes this experience and allows the reader to be
involved emotionally.
Scott Laniak
There's beauty in the dirt!
The repetitive
stanzas are beautiful. The imagery in the initial repeating stanza is
very vivid, and the satire in the second repeating stanza is wonderful.
The verse-like
stanzas tend to be confusing and deviant from the central theme and
idea.
Irony
This poem is fucking
awesome. I love the complication in the first stanza, and the
simplicity of the second. The play on words and paradox in the final
line is just marvelous---very affective.
The third line deviates
from the metaphor. I think another idea their would be more appropriate.
Scott Szymanski
An Arid Discourse
This
is quite an elegantly written poem. The situation is familiar,
which makes it very interesting to read.
The rhymes tend to be a bit forced(worth, dearth), but I believe it
works with it's formal topic.
Lost in exchange
I
love the idea behind this poem. The initial line is so poignant that it
immediately draws the leader in to read.
Some of the images are difficult to see within the middle stanzas---I
would like to see some more details to add to the imagery.
Tom
Stay
The appearance
is very appealing in itself, and the rhyme scheme is quite original. I
love the repetition of "stay." The final line is perfect---it is
evidence of epiphany. I LOVE IT.
I'd like to see a variance in capitalization.
Ataraxia
Once again,
the appearance is appealing. The imagery is wonderful, and I love
the sense of something "unknown."
Using a word
that is widely uncommon as your central idea is tricky---but you made
it work!
Laine
"Billfold, Billfold!"
This is the a wonderful beginning to an essay! It is so familiar---anyone who has been fishing at the lake can relate to this ENTIRELY. Laine always does such a good job of setting the scene. Her use of imagery with vivid details never fail to place the reader into the story. I am eager to read this essay in its entirity.
Tom
"Little Piece"
This is a good start to an essay. I think that it needs to be revised for correct punctuation(when using quotation marks), and perhaps it should be broken up a bit into a few paragraphs.
Mary Lynn Ritch
Richard Selzer's description of the knife and surgery is presented in a way that neither has been presented to me before. He writes poetically---walking the reader through surgery, and through the surgeon's thoughts and feelings. He discusses the internal struggle that he experiences day to day(like in the quote, for example)---attempting to justify his work, make reason out of it, and realize his complete responsibility for each and every procedure.