That's all folks...(final feedback)

Scott S.

    The Balance of Nature
           Wonderful piece on the introvert---overflowing with vivid description of setting, characters, and thought process of main character.  The idea of nature "rebelling" against human progress is genius, and the glorification of nature throughout the piece not only sets the scene, but develops characterization of Mazeka as well.
           Some of Mazeka's dialogue seems to be a little out of character, and unnatural(pg 3: "Yeah, I ...uh .. opps."

Mary Lynn Ritch
     Someone's got to do it
              Once again, Mary Lynn's writing contains such a prominent voice, developed through the narrator's ability of storytelling; however, it needs to be cleaned up.  With revision(cutting fragments, extracting the rigamarole, expanding on ideas and certain scenes), this can be another unique, original piece.  

Amanda Partlow
      "Let's go..."
             The opening paragraph is extremely vague and incomprehensible; however, with the slightest hint of who and where this is will guide the reader along.  The most magnificent aspect of this piece is such vivid, REAL depictions of children. Instead of the children being "children," they are given specific character traits that bring them to life.
             Thank you, Amanda.

Ryan Noah
      The Best Laid Schemes of Mice and Margo
             This is such a well-developed and thought out tale of the well known parent-child-role-swap, where the child is the responsible, and the parent is the depender. Ryan does a wonderful job of showing us who the mother and daughter are---physically through vivid descriptions that ring familiarity in the reader, and personally through their distinct actions.
              Try to place the second sentence better---it doesn't seem to fit where it's at.

Amy McIntyre
      The Secret Creatures of Oswald 
              The story is set-up wonderfully---Amy allows the characters to develop slowly and naturally, and the relationships are clear and understood; however, once the "story" begins, the reader is disengaged.
              After the line, "Well I know a fairy tale that is true," Katherine states, "Oh, you are going to tell her...."  This throws off the reader completely, because it is too much, too quick---too obvious, too soon.  Also, once the grandmother starts telling the story, Katherine should not interrupt to give side notes to the reader---this only disconnects the reader from the "story." 

Scott Laniak
       "If I had a choice..."
               This piece is extremely engaging, but moves a little too quickly.  The first too paragraphs are unnecessary----I think starting the piece with the dialogue would be much more eye-catching and interesting.
               With revision, this could be much more effective and clear.

Micheal Johnson
        One Night with Her
               Wow, Micheal---this is wonderful work.
               Micheal allows the story to unravel slowly, yet quickly enough to keep the reader interested.  I love the constant stream of thoughts---in the beginning, after dialogue, after interactions---it's all there---it's such a close piece in which we are following, and understanding, the narrators every feeling and thought.
               The only line that didn't work was in the last paragraph("...mood level several levels.")---just a bit too redundant.

Jamee Lowery
        Tripping without falling
               To write a piece about psychedelics---and the experience of using them---is not easy to do.
               Jamee has a lot of potential with this piece, but it stills falls short, for the experience is just "told" with vague descriptions, instead of shown with vivid images. What the author has to understand when writing a piece like this is that most readers have not experienced such things, so you've got to create a strong, unique, REAL story of a drug's affect on the human mind and body.
                Just be more specific and this will be wonderful!

Ashlee Hooks
          Waterproof
                This is a wonderful piece displaying driving imagery---imagery so strong that every frame of the "movie" in our heads is as clear as possible---that is coupled perfectly with sarcastic humor and common, everyday emotions. 
                Small change to make better: do away with "wafting" in the second paragraph.
                Job well done :-)

Tom Hassard
           Edmund
                 This piece is wonderful---so insightful, prophetic, interesting, and engaging.  The concept is original, and the criticism is crucial. Thank you, Tom. The only complaint is the elaborate "telling" of background information on the first page---let these these unravel in the story. 

Sara Davis
            She isn't what she seems to be
                   I really enjoyed this story a lot----mostly because it is a familiar story told simply through the "close-3rd" narrator(who seems to be close to the age of the main character).  The only constructive criticism consists of small bits here and there: "appears" in the second paragraph should be italicized for effect; the final line on page one should be stated more clearly(...smell his cologne---and with it, all of the...); the final sentence is unclear to me(it seems to have been the opposite).

Erica Campbell
           This too shall pass
                   I have read this once, but I need to read it again, and again, because the first time I was so engaged by the emotion and thoughts that I latched onto them and failed to follow the plot!
                  Erica does a PHENOMENAL job of writing very emotive, personal stories of women.  She writes these stories so well that I feel like she understands women, as a sex, more than anyone else. I have no criticism. Please write more, and give me time to read again and again.

Neal Dean
         Transatlanticism
                 Wow. Neal is a phenomenal writer with an impressive command of language.  These women in this story, as well as their relationship, is described so perfectly and vividly that I am positive that I have met them first-hand, and they have both told me this story themselves. Along with this magnificent characterization, the mood which is created dictates the entire piece through circumstance of weather and current events of the character's life. THIS is PHENOMENAL.  Thank you, Neal.

Christine Lee
        Finding a way out
              Such a familiar, relative story---there is so much potential. Please take your time, and let me know and understand all of the characters through their actions, thoughts, and feelings. I struggle to get into it because it is so rushed. With revision, I feel like it could be expanded into an extremely powerful piece.  

Laine Bradley
       Hoarding Things
            Laine---you've done it again.  Beautiful command of language and imagery; FANTASTIC characterization and scene setting.  I saw everything, and the familiarity items really engaged me as a reader.
            I'm not sure why, but the father working in a condom factory seemed unreal to me...maybe that's just me.

Amanda Baran
         Detective Robyn
              Amanda has such a simple, yet elegant style of writing. It seems to be so honest and REAL.  What I love about this story is that it doesn't focus on the cliches of law enforcement officials---but rather their inner thoughts and feelings, letting us know that they are REAL PEOPLE. Thank you Amanda. This is a wonderful story of self discovery. :-)

Kirsten Anderson
         Snow filled the sky
                 The opening paragraph is probably the most engaging first paragraph out of all of the essays---not because it catches you off guard and gets your attention, but because it sets the scene and the mood for the entire piece. Thank you for taking your time to allow characters to develop, suspense to grow, and mood to form. This is marvelous.
                 Please clean up some of the dialogue---it seems to be a bit unreal(Jordan's reaction to the mere-attack, etc).

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Fiction - Peer Feedback (as of 4/9)

Tom Hassard
    Edmund Guttier
       It is apparent that Tom is most comfortable with this genre---these first 7 pages are magnificant! It is a wonderful segment of story---filled with suspense, UNfamiliarity, criticism of the human race, and a prophetic theme! To strengthen what is written, extract some of the blount description in the first few pages---don't spoil the story for the reader! Allow the factual details to reveal themselves on their own through the story!

Laine Bradley
    Vicinus and Vicina
       Once again, Laine's mastery of imagery is what makes this piece so magnificant. Using specific details that are familiar to the reader are ESSENTIAL to drawing interest and leaving the reader seeing everything so vividly---word by word, page by page. The peculiarity of the situation of the the characters is definitely a HOOK.
       The suspense is there! I can't wait to read more!
       Oh, and for constructive criticism: allow the characters to develop through the vivid details of their actions. Try not to describe them too much, because they become too familiar and normal when they're described blountly.

Erica Campbell
     Are you fucking
          Eager to read more of this piece!  This story seems to be developing around a very interesting, dynamic character. Try not to spoil the fun of letting the character's personality unravel itself through her actions, instead of blountly describing her in well-known adjectives.


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Creative NonFiction - Peer Feedback(the finale)

Amy McIntrye
    A Court Date
       This piece marvelously depicts the struggle of not only the young adult, but of the young adult being emotionally and physically ripped to pieces by divorce---something that too many of us are familiar with.  Amy uses point of view to her advantage; allowing the reader to understand the experience first hand in the eyes of a ninth-grader, while also shifting to her current perspective: that of a near-college graduate. The depiction of such a common situation could not be said any more accurately---thank you Amy for this piece of growing up and coming to terms with how things "really" are. :-)

Ryan Noah
    Guilt Trips
       This well-thought out essay is about absolutely nothing; however, it is overflowing with descriptions of the everyday thoughts and doings.  Guilt Trips provides us with an honest view of the teenage mind---the constant battle of how I "should" feel, verse how this "really" feels. Thank you for setting the scene and developing such a familiar old "grandmamma."

Amanda Partlow
    The gravel crunched
         This essay perfectly describes the internal struggles faced by any and every human being: the difficulties of socializing, of growing up, and of coming to terms with reality.  Amanda  sets the scene from the beginning, making the setting very clear and vivid with her use of nature-rich imagery; however, I would like to see more character description to accompany such beautiful scene-setting.  The nararrator's role at the camp is a bit unclear in the beginning, as is the actual "problem" with "Vickle." 
          Thank you for a wonderful, real, story.

Mary Lynn Ritch
    Picture this
          This essay displays a wonderful use of voice and humor---which actually work as a pair throughout the entire piece; however, it's "loose" feel is so drenched with voice that it's missing a sense of "read-a-bility."  With revision and use of more punctuation to pull the reader along and allow the voice to develop into an affective story-teller, this piece can emerge as an extremely original, easy to read essay.

Scott Szymanski
    Only the best can be served
       Scott's mastery of language is present in this piece through his extensive use of vocabulary and  vivid descriptions of setting.  This honest, real perspective of a restuarant employee is all too familiar to any high school graduate.
       To strengthen this essay, only use the verbose, and overly descriptive language sparingly---to draw attention to the most important details, for when used constantly, it tends to drag on; HOWEVER, this over-use of description is not under-appreciated---so please only reduce what is "unnecessary," and let the necessary triumph on.

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Creative Nonfiction - Peer Feedback(as of 4/2)

Erica Campbell
    "Moon River"
       This is one of my favorites so far! It is so magnificantly written!  You did an excellent job of developing a "voice" within this piece, and using Breakfast at Tiffany's to parallel yourself is so affective. Also, this story of self-discovery and coming to terms with yourself is one that I would read again and again. I honestly do not have any negative criticism! Thank you for writing such a wonderul essay!

Scott Laniak
    "Growing up..."
         I love this account of your journey of musical consciousness. Explaining music as an experience really pinpoints you as the character within this piece.
         The only inaffective parts of this piece are when you blatantly state(more than once) that you are writing an essay. I think that without these obvious references, this piece would be much more effective.

Christine Lee
    Confessions of An Angry Cashier
       I love how you allow honesty and sarcasm to intermingle within this piece, and I love how critical you are of the critical. This is very familiar to many of us because of our personal experiences, but thank you for reminding me of how ridiculous people are.
       I'm not sure if I like the "list" format; however, I am attempting to get used to it. It may not work for me yet because it's very different---I've got to give it a bit for time.

...more to come....

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Creative Nonfiction - Peer Feedback(as of 3/26)

Alex Ryan Gregor

        my own.

Tom Hassard

        "Don't Suck."

               This is a great essay. I love how it's formed around the stream of thoughts and feelings during his preparation for the show---he really describes these personal things in a way where the reader can experience them, too.  I love the vivid descriptions(light fog in the air...; the air is thick..."); I love the honest thoughts(what a dick; please don't suck); I love the paradox in the line: ...but I always find myself hoping there won't be many people when I go on. This final line is SO familiar, because it best describes the experience of performing.

               I really would like to see my sensory details, like the ones mentioned above, and I would also like to see less of the process, and more personal experience. Does that make sense? I hope so.

 

Ashlee Hooks

        "Hurricane Ashlee"

                 This is an excellent piece on the descriptions of a grandfather/grandaughter relationship.  The details are so personal and precise! The only aspects that I would change would be the transitions. The first line in a new paragraph tends to be written in a composition style, and I think it would be much more interesting to not write a formal introduction to each paragraph. Other than this, GREAT story!   

 

Micheal Johnson

        "Beep..."

               I feel like that this is a wonderful first draft, but I think it needs to be revised a bit. I struggled to visualize the car scene, and the dialogue between you and your mom seems constructed. I would love to see this revised!  

 

              

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Creative Nonfiction - Peer Feedback(as of 3/23)

Kirsten Anderson
    Unpaved Parking Lots
          This is a marvelous piece.  You do a wonderful job of setting the scene---the setting is always so vividly described; however, I want to know more about the characters as well! Perhaps by concentrating on fewer friends, or perhaps focusing on one or two detailed instances that explain your personal connection to the individuals that are so dear to your heart!

Amanda Baran
    Butler
          I really enjoy the different point of views used within this piece---it seems to take form of the age of the narrator. The clever use of the dog's name to give him personal, human-like qualities is what makes this piece work so well!  It's almost as if in spirit he is a human! Thank you for such a good story.
           I think the final paragraph should be cut. It is too obvious by the point that the reader has read everything.

Laine Bradley
      Billfold, Billfold!
          This piece is near perfect! The imagery is so beautiful, the use of voice and perspective makes it realistic, and how the different forms of the relationship are threaded throughout the story ties it all together MARVELOUSLY.
          I think the title should be condensed to "Billfold, Billfold!"---also, please take your time as you prepare the reader for the climax! Don't rush, and please allow more suspense! :-)

Neal Dean
      Chasing the Dragon
          I love the metaphors used throughout the piece. The language is so vivid and real. I love the honesty and insight. This is really good writing.
          I need MORE. I feel like it should be longer...?
      

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Final Poetry Feedback (3/17)

Neal Dean
     Phaethon
            I love the struggle within this piece. The extended metaphor really explains the common masculine perpective of relationships! When comparing this with the female perspective by stating, "You want to die old...I'd rather go in a blaze of glory," it pulls the entire idea of the piece together, and finally, when you claim, "I want to burn the sky for a while," it even reveals the spontaneity of young males, and their unwillingness to toss their care free, fun lives away for a long term relationship.  Well done!
             With punctuation and variance of capitalization, this poem would read better.

      September        
             This piece is beautiful. The extended metaphor is cliche, but all of the details within it aren't so at all!
             Again, punctuation and variance of capitalization would be more affective.

Ryan Noah
     The Search
        This piece works so well.  The alliteration and sarcasm present through the piece are affective and tend to lure the reader in to pay attention to other details.
         Breaking the lines up a bit would add to the sense of urgency.
    Wood Bridges
          When taken literally, I was so confused, but once I gained my consciousness and took a more intellectual approach, I fell in love with the concept. I also love how it isn't connected to the standard meaning of "burning bridges" that is now a cliche.
          The specific elements of a bridge in the third stanza tend to lure the reader away from the metaphor, but using more metaphorical elements would make it much more affective!

Sara Davis
       An Angel on Earth
            I love this poem because it is so emotionally driven. I can see this individual---thank you for making this familiar to my senses.  I also appreciate how the revelation of relation isn't until the final two words.
            The rhythm is a bit sing song-ish. I'd like to feel your emotions---not just read about them!
       Words like knives
            This poem has so much presence. The use of solitary words for the beginnings of some lines, then letting the description of these words flow afterwards, really takes this experience and allows the reader to be involved emotionally.

Scott Laniak
      There's beauty in the dirt!        
            The repetitive stanzas are beautiful. The imagery in the initial repeating stanza is very vivid, and the satire in the second repeating stanza is wonderful.
             The verse-like stanzas tend to be confusing and deviant from the central theme and idea. 
    Irony
          This poem is fucking awesome.  I love the complication in the first stanza, and the simplicity of the second. The play on words and paradox in the final line is just marvelous---very affective.
          The third line deviates from the metaphor. I think another idea their would be more appropriate.

Scott Szymanski
       An Arid Discourse
            This is quite an elegantly written poem.  The situation is familiar, which makes it very interesting to read.
             The rhymes tend to be a bit forced(worth, dearth), but I believe it works with it's formal topic.
       Lost in exchange
            I love the idea behind this poem. The initial line is so poignant that it immediately draws the leader in to read.
             Some of the images are difficult to see within the middle stanzas---I would like to see some more details to add to the imagery.

Tom
       Stay
            The appearance is very appealing in itself, and the rhyme scheme is quite original. I love the repetition of "stay." The final line is perfect---it is evidence of epiphany. I LOVE IT.
             I'd like to see a variance in capitalization.
       Ataraxia
             Once again, the appearance is appealing.  The imagery is wonderful, and I love the sense of something "unknown."
             Using a word that is widely uncommon as your central idea is tricky---but you made it work!

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Essays --- Peer Feeback (3/10)

Laine

    "Billfold, Billfold!"

              This is the a wonderful beginning to an essay! It is so familiar---anyone who has been fishing at the lake can relate to this ENTIRELY.  Laine always does such a good job of setting the scene.  Her use of imagery with vivid details never fail to place the reader into the story. I am eager to read this essay in its entirity.

 

Tom

     "Little Piece"

               This is a good start to an essay. I think that it needs to be revised for correct punctuation(when using quotation marks), and perhaps it should be broken up a bit into a few paragraphs. 

             

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Poetry feedback through 3/3

Mary Lynn Ritch

        Poem 1
              The idea of the loud neighbor complaining to you at the end of the poem is wonderful, and "the party through the wall" line/title is clever.
              I think with punctuation and italics for emphasis, this could be improved.

        Poem 2
                I can relate to such an internal struggle, and I think this poem does a good job of creating that sense of reader-relation with the topic.
                I don't understand the senile reference, but with different placement, it could work.  Also, the King Kong reference seems forced for the rhyme.               

Micheal Johnson

        Poem 1
                This poem is absolutely beautiful. I love how delicately you approach this, dropping hints here and there, but not revealing what is really happening until the final line. The opening stanza is so clever, and the scene is set so well with the imagery in the second stanza. The final line blew my mind. It caught me by surprise, because I didn't really know what was happening---though I did---but it's just written so well.
                 I struggle to understand the judgment/rudder metaphor---although I tried and tried. Perhaps with a few more reads I'll understand.  

        Poem 2
                 The second line is quite effective---it's by itself and it should be. Also, the thrid line of the thrid stanza is worded so well.
                The "nay" rhyme seems forced and un-natural, and I believe that some punctuation would be quite effective.

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The Knife

"I am like an executioner who hears the cleric comforting the prisoner." (265)

Richard Selzer's description of the knife and surgery is presented in a way that neither has been presented to me before.  He writes poetically---walking the reader through surgery, and through the surgeon's thoughts and feelings.  He discusses the internal struggle that he experiences day to day(like in the quote, for example)---attempting to justify his work, make reason out of it, and realize his complete responsibility for each and every procedure.

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Alex Ryan Gregor

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Alex Ryan Gregor
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